“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

If that statement by the great, the amazing Martin Luther King is true, then my life is just beginning, because I refuse, I absolutely refuse ever to be silent about the things that matter. When I say "the things that matter", I mean the things that matter to me, obviously, because I am only human after all, but I also mean THE THINGS THAT MATTER. Kindness matters, basic simple human kindness always matters.

This is a truth that I've tried to avoid my entire life, given the family I grew up in, and the choices that I then made. And, don't get me wrong, I don't blame my choices on anybody - they were MINE, ALL MINE. I stand by them, the right ones, the wrong ones, the crazy ones, the right-off-the-fucking-map ones. They all helped me to become who I am today. And I really, well and truly like who I am today.

Let's see if I can define me. I mean, we're all subjective about such things, but it has been my passion to see myself, to see those I love, to really see. After all, if you love someone because of some illusion/delusion you've created, I hate to be the one to tell you, but I gotta be the one to tell you -- IT'S NOT LOVE!!! I am a flawed creature, like all of us, but ... oh, I love the word "but" ... I will go out of my way, really a long way out of my way, to not cause harm. No, I did not take the hippocratic oath, but in my heart, in my soul, if we possess one, I did: "First, do no harm". Can that be said enough? First, do no harm. When I can, I will go a long way out of my way to bolster someone's spirit, to soothe their spirit, to prop up their self-esteem.

My birth family ... and I make that distinction because the family that I have chosen, that I have created is not the same ... are cruel people who somehow convince themselves that they're not. They create an elitist world where those who can't achieve some perceived level of perfection aren't welcome. The biggest problem I've had in my life is never knowing what that perfection consisted of or entailed. I tried my best, I stood on my tiptoes, I bent over, I bent down, so many times that it hurt me, hurt the very essence of me, and it wasn't good enough, never good enough. I stood up, I believed in myself, I achieved, I succeeded, and it wasn't good enough. So, now, finally and forever, I say goodbye to all of that. Sad that I say goodbye in a blog, but I need to get it out, need to say it. They wouldn't care, don't care, never have. Oh, boo-fucking-hoo me!

As though there haven't been enough blows, and there will undoubtedly be blogs in the future that recount them, recant them, the latest one was the one. Sometimes there is a straw that breaks the camel's back. So, I go to my nephew's wedding, and see the whole fam-damily for the first time in years. Not enough that they invite and welcome the brother who abused me for years. They welcome him with more good cheer and acceptance than they have ever given me. No, no, no, there's more. They invite my ex-husband and his new girlfriend. The ex-husband and I have not been together for 8-1/2 years. I am attending this wedding with my love, the love-of-my-life, the man who I will marry, the finest and best human being it has ever been my privilege to know. Tell me again why he loves me! And, again, this so-called family has more conversation, more interaction with the ex-husband than they do with me or with my G ... and worse yet, than they do with my daughter, the lovely, the beautiful, the talented, the shining light in this universe.

So, you can hurt me, you can stomp on me, you can grind me into dust, but you cannot, I will not let you hurt the people that I love. I am done with you.

Oh, almost forgot. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. After the wedding, I send a note to my sister, asking her why, what, how, when, where ... you know, the five w's ... and I end with the quote that entitles this particular post. What response did I get, you ask? I got a rock, I got nothing, I got ignored. Because they long ago figured out that they can hurt me more by ignoring me. They figured that out when I was 7 years old and hid in a corn field all day and watched the house, waiting, waiting, waiting for someone, anyone to notice I was missing. You already figured it out, did you? No one noticed. I finally just went back because it was dark and I had nowhere else to go.

Well, I have somewhere else to go now, and I am never going back there. I am Kate, I am strong, I have people who love me, I have people who I love. Damn you all for ever making me feel worthless. You will never have the chance again.