My public awaits ... ha, ha, ha

I haven't been able to write anything because everything feels so personal, and I feel like I'm giving something of myself away, and lately I feel there's so little of myself that I keep to myself. Does anyone else feel that way? That every piece of you is being used by somebody else, to satisfy somebody's elses needs, wants, desires, vision of you, ideal of you. I didn't use the word "ideal" by accident. I didn't mean "idea". It's like we're all trying to live up to some ideal, some mystical, perfect being we're supposed to be, hide our flaws, cover them up, use concealer, white-out, whatever is available. I suppose that has become a theme for me throughout my life - throw out the bad pictures, or delete them in this digital age, so there's no true image of us.

Okay, here goes a little personal. I went to a wedding yesterday, saw my "family" ... sorry, just have to put that in quotes ... for the first time in years. To say my family was and is dysfunctional is like saying flax seed is good for you. It's an oxymoron, it's in fact a world where the lunatics are in charge of the asylum. It's "Let's all pretend" time. Let's all pretend we like each other, or let's not, let's all pretend we're leading perfect lives, happy all the time, and we had a normal, wonderful child. Case-in-point: One family member asked me when he had ever said anything unkind to me. At my father's funeral, when I asked for the return of the photographs that I had donated to the board of my father, his only response was to scream "F-*-*-k off" at me. So, what do I say when asked, "When was I ever mean to you?" I just smile some inane smile, while some dead look comes into my eyes, and say, "The past is the past".

The past is not the past. The past is our present, the future is our present, it all intertwines in our head, creating a dance that is our life, that represents our life. I mean, people go for aromatherapy of all things to induce good feelings. Are we so unaware of the fact that, when we enter a room, a situation, encounter people, etc., etc., that it evokes all the emotions that we have ever encountered with that person. I did the shutting down thing, I did it for a lot of years: Don't feel anything, don't let them see you sweat as the commercial says.

Sorry I get too stream-of-consciousness in this thing. I was trying to get to something. I started out the day yesterday sick, sick, sick. Well, actually probably hung over, hung over, hung over. Potato-potahto, tomato-tomahto :) Thought I wasn't even going to make it to the "family wedding", but being the resilient little rubber ball that I am, I pulled it together at the last minute. I put on my stunning little-black-dress, gorgeous earrings that my wondrous daughter lovingly made for me, a beautiful necklace that a friend made for me, ivory patent sling-backs, black eyeliner, and POW, I'm rocking it for a 50-year-old broad. All the while, there's a little part of me slipping back to my youth, my childhood even, telling me, "You're only worth as good as you look". Me, the me that is me now says back, "You only look good now because you finally understand that your worth is so much more than how you look". What an internal battle that is :) I'll keep fighting that battle. Yes, I enjoy looking good, but that cannot be, must not be what defines me.

At the ripe old age of nearly 51 (in a week) ... and OMG, OMG, OMG ... I don't want it anymore. I want a life that is true, that is real, that is reciprocal. Does it exist? I truly wish I knew.

Here's what I do know: I came from a place where I was the barracks target. (And, if you don't know what that means, look it up.) In the vernacular, I was messed up. In reality, I hated myself and the world I lived in and felt absolutely no connection to it. I fought for that connection to the world and an understanding/acceptance of my place, my right to exist, my right to be happy. It was a long and not unrewarding fight. The result has been two beautiful children, a good solid job/career, and being lucky enough to find true love at the beginning of the end of my life. I don't mean that to sound tragic or sappy. That's how I feel. It is a fact! Right now, right here, I enter the last third of my life, if I happen to be terrifically lucky. And I am terrifically lucky, I truly am.

So, now I go to join the wonderful G (my heart, my love) on his one day off, make us a fabulous meal, cuddle in his arms and feel more accepted and more loved than I thought was possible. The journey, the ride was so worth the destination. I love my life!